


pining: to yearn deeply

by xigithy



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Study, Drabble, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-07-08
Packaged: 2020-06-24 11:50:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19723078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xigithy/pseuds/xigithy
Summary: Sometimes, Saïx still longs for who Axel used to be.





	pining: to yearn deeply

**Author's Note:**

> Fill for a requested "Saix -> Lea pining" off of twitter! 
> 
> Felt like the perfect thing for 7/8; happy akusai day!

There’s a faint spark of  _ him _ in everything Axel does these days.

The past ten or so years with the Organization, the last decade of being nobodies, devoid of emotion, have erased him- suppressed him and subdued him until the only parts left to make the whole were unequivocally  _ Axel _ . But sometimes, Saïx will catch the gaze of Number VIII and- in the briefest of moments, when their eyes are locked- it feels like  _ Lea _ is staring back at him.

It always twists the frayed and hollow parts of him into knots that resemble what he remembers as longing. And in those moments... Saïx can’t help but think that maybe he misses him and what they were. A very  _ human _ emotion for someone supposedly incapable of feeling them. How can one yearn without a heart? How can one hunger so  _ desperately _ for the familiar warmth of another person’s presence without the emotions to feel it with in the first place?

Saïx can’t remember if he’s always felt this way or not- he thinks maybe not; he’d accepted quite some time ago that their friendship was waning with each passing year and that they were resigned to simply being faces passing in the hall. But lately something in him has shifted...it makes him think- the two have drifted, sure, and there were times in the past where he’d offer a passing wish for what was, but has he ever really ached for their friendship as vividly as he does now when he sees Axel with  _ them _ ? Has he ever wished as hard to turn back the sands of time as he does when word reaches him about the trio’s daily trips to the clocktower in Twilight Town? Has he ever wanted Lea all to himself as much as he does when the faint scent of sea salt ice cream wafts past him and the betrayal of their shared nostalgia runs him through like a knife through the heart?

“Isa.”

Axel’s voice is soft beside Saïx, but the sudden presence of it, and the way it yanks him so severely out of his musings elicits a jump from the startled adjutant all the same- an action that earns him a brief quizzical look from Axel. Saïx hasn’t heard the name in years, but the way it seems to purr forth so effortlessly- so familiarly- from Axel runs a chill up his spine and stirs something in him that had lay dormant for nearly as long. The sound of his somebody’s name on Axel’s tongue feels warm and borderline comforting, like basking in the warm glow of the sun after enduring darkness, and so Saïx doesn’t even bother with his usual irked correction of the name.

“You’ve been given your mission for the day already.” Saïx turns to face Axel, a frown ghosting at the corners of his mouth despite the lingering threads of warmth coiling within him. “What do you want?”

Reaching a hand back to scratch at his head Axel glances around the lobby, ensuring they’re alone, before looking back to Saïx. Their eyes lock again in that manner that twists him up inside and Saïx has to swallow the ball of not-quite-emotion that forms in his throat. “...It’s about Roxas. And Xion.”

Of  **course** it is- hardly a day goes by lately where Axel doesn’t bring one or both of them up in some capacity. The mention of the Hero’s nobody and the puppet severs the connection in his and Axel’s gaze, and Saïx drops his eyes to the papers in his hand, careful to downplay the almost  _ disappointment _ within him as he purses his lips tightly.

“Whatever you’re about to ask, the answer is  _ no _ .”

“Wh- you don’t even know what I’m gonna  _ say yet _ !”

The inflection of Axel’s voice in his protest, the nearly imperceptible defeated slump of his shoulders, the hint of a sigh that mingles with the statement’s end- it’s all very familiar, and for a microsecond, Saïx is transported to another time and place where two boys, much younger than themselves, argued in much the same vein over everything and anything.  _ Things were simpler then, weren’t they, Lea? Back when our biggest concerns were whether or not we’d have enough munny for ice cream after school. Back when we were honest with each other about everything, instead of locking our intentions away in the vaults of our hearts…  _ The memory certainly puts a damper on Saïx’s sour demeanor and despite himself, he can feel the scowl etched onto his face soften as he releases a weary sigh.

“... _ fine _ , what is it?”

Axel’s eyebrows shoot up, surprised as Saïx’s golden eyes are suddenly back to staring deep into his emerald ones, and he fumbles for his words- stumbling over them in a very  _ Lea _ way before he reins in the break in composure and  _ Axel _ is once again at the forefront of the conversation.

“They’re gonna come ask something of you in a little while- a favor.”

Saïx scoffs, suppressing the human urge to roll his eyes. If Axel was coming to him now to inform him of the impending request, it must surely be something he knows Saïx would otherwise refuse. How droll it is, then, that Axel thinks using the leverage of their past lives’ friendship would soften Saïx to the forthcoming appeal.

But when Saïx doesn’t immediately respond with verbal reprehension, Axel touches a hand to his arm, clasping it in that snug, familiar way that seems to thaw the icy, hollow cavity in his chest, and all at once, the action eclipses any misgivings he has about the situation. His breath catches as he blinks down at the hand wrapped around his forearm, and there’s a nagging, insistent whisper of a voice in his mind that wishes Axel-  _ Lea _ \- would close the gap between them and pull Saïx into a proper embrace.

“Just- hear them out, would ya? Please, Isa… for  _ me _ .”

Half a smile blossoms onto Lea’s face as he looks Saïx over expectantly and  _ Isa _ swallows thickly at the sight of it, forgetting in that instant all the usual poise and indifference of his nobody.

“I- yes, of course.”

Axel opens his mouth to respond, giving Saïx’s arm a light squeeze, but before any words can leave his mouth, hesitant footsteps begin to echo in the hall connecting to the lobby. As the two turn to face the intruder to their private moment, Roxas comes into view, yawning largely and rubbing the remnants of sleep from his eyes.

Like a puppy, Axel takes off after the young boy, an air of pleased excitement following him as he leaves without so much as another word to Saïx. He can vaguely recall a time when Lea followed  _ him _ around in much the same way, and a passing thought can’t help but wonder if Axel’s imaginary friendship with Roxas is simply an empty projection of his very real one with Isa.

He watches, standing silent and blending into his usual spot, as the two whisper eagerly with each other, observes the way Axel ruffles the top of Roxas’s hair with a laugh... and Isa tries- and fails- to quell the deep, wrenching emptiness within him at the sight of it.


End file.
